Hello i am writing again tonight. I actually have to study cause i still have one last paper tomorrow but as usual, i always feel the need to vent whenever im supposed to do something else. haha. so here i am.

i selalu faham bila orang tak nak open up cause they dont want people to know they "feel worthless". like me, ive always had hard times opening up to people. since i kecil lagi.  i always have my guards up. i'll put walls around myself until i feel that it is safe to be around someone. tapi lama lama i sedar, sampai bila nak macam ni sebab all my friends memang ikhlas nak kawan dgn i. 

a lot of things have contributed to my trauma up until now. and not a lot of people know what ive been through. when i was 9, i almost got raped. i still remember that day sampai lah sekarang i dah umur 24. the reason why im writing this is because i stumbled upon a thread on twitter about someone who was "forced" to wear tudung by the society. the same thing actually happened to me but idc about that. i couldnt care less about that actually. i rasa benda ni kau nak pakai, kau pakai. kau taknak itu antara kau dgn tuhan lah kan. tapi i taktahu kenapa masa kecik dulu umur sembilan tahun, i dah boleh rasa tekanan sampai macam tu sekali. and benda ni buat i menyesal sampai lah sekarang. and i sedar sekolah tu yang buat i kena hampir kena rape. i know it's unfair for me to say that but it is the reality. that's why i dont remember a lot about my childhood. Because i refuse to remember my childhood.

only my parents know and some friends that i trust. that day, i pakai mini skirt pergi teman my mom pergi supermarket. and sebab my sekolah rendah punya sekolah ustaz ustazah and alim so i taknak jumpa diorang lah kan. so i bersungguh nak tunggu my mom dekat tangga area aik sing and taknak masuk kedai, for those yang duduk bukit indah tahu lah. ada tangga gelap untuk naik atas kedai saloon. masa i tengah tunggu tu, ada lelaki naik motor pakai baju seragam. i tak sure seragam apa, tapi seragam warna hijau. dia datang approach i, and dia bagi card tau mcm nak tanya direction. masa tu i ingat lagi tangan dia menggigil sangat sangat. i cant remember anything else but he lured me upstairs. next thing i know, he shoved a knife tau dekat perut i. dia tala pisau tu dekat perut i and suruh i duduk dekat kerusi depan pintu saloon yang tutup tu. mind you it was upstairs tau. and no one was there. i was held at knifepoint and he told me to slip my panties. 

which i did, because i was so scared.

Dekat atas kerusi tu I was crying so hard, i still remember how bad  i was crying. He was contemplating to do it. I nangis and nangis. and that guy terus takut sebab i menangis. i menangis kuat gila and dia gelabah terus lari. lepas dia lari tu, i turun bawah and dah sampai bawah i pakai panties i semua. and ada sorang budak kat bawah tu pelik sbb i nangis nangis. i lari pergi dekat mak i and my mom time tu tengah bayar. memang satu kedai aik sing kecoh. Funny how i remember the details but sampai sekarang i cannot remember his face. I've read that some people respond to trauma by dissociating, or mentally detaching, which could affect how they remember what happened. Guess that's what happened to me.

last part is actually the saddest part and i dont think i can cerita. and benda ni sampai skrang affect i. sebabtu kadang kadang bila Allah uji i dengan dugaan macam macam, i jatuh teruk. i jatuh teruk sangat. and orang pelik kenapa aku sampai macam ni. semua ni memang buat i lemah. and i selalu fikir apa lagi yang Allah nak uji aku. Umur aku 9 tahun kena dugaan macam ni. Bayang kan i cannot tell anyone, i cant even tell my sister. My bestfriend. I dont trust people that much. Fast forward to years later, i got betrayed, and i was used. I was forced to do things by people that I loved. Still, i cannot tell people what i go through. I lalui semua sorang sorang. NO ONE was there for me. Can you imagine how helpless i was? Do u understand why i was "overreacting"? IT WAS A CRY FOR HELP.

What im trying to say is, please. U have no idea what people go through in their lives. That's why it takes me months, even years to forgive people. They are just putting more salt on my wounds. I was healing, but i had to start all over again to heal myself. 

Memang susah. I cant lie it was the worst years of my life. I shut people out. I disappeared for SO MANY YEARS. even my best friends. I burned all the bridges because i wanted to start my life over again. Itu yang i silap. I tahu i tak boleh lari jauh mana. I lari jauh pun semua ni takkan hilang macam tu je. It will scar me for the rest of my whole life. So i have to live with it no matter what. 

i think i should stop for now, cause im crying. selama ni aku anggap aku gila, aku meroyan, aku ingat semua ni salah aku. Penyebab nya aku, aku, aku. hakikatnya tidak. sekarang aku cuba nak make peace with myself and trying to forgive myself for how i treated myself. betapa teruknya aku dekat diri aku sendiri.

The only thing i want is, aku tak minta banyak pun. I hope can be better for myself. and not for anyone else. I hope i can keep trying to accept the past and make peace with myself. 

 

I haven't written anything for such a long time. Forgive me for being such a busy woman. *giggles. I know i dont have readers anymore like the old times but that's good actually. At least i know i can talk about whatever and no one will bat an eye and give a shit about what i write haha. But if you ever happen to stumble into my blog in your reading list, i'll be in my final year next semester. I am so proud of myself for that. I dont need anyone telling me that they're proud of me cause honestly, what i feel matters to me and only me. 

Other than that, i just have to let things out of my chest. I have been thinking a lot. Instead of finishing my chapter 2 fyp, here i am. And i cant seem to do anything else if i dont express this. I cannot tweet it. I cannot post in on IG. I just can't. So, hello myself. Here's to you.

Sometimes, i really feel like restarting my life. I know people say memories, experiences, mistakes are what make you the person you are. But i just cant help to think even if they do make me as a person i am today, is it worth it? Is it worth it if what it's gonna do is just break me every single day? What's the point of it? 

Come to think about it, i have many things to be proud of. and i'm glad that i know better not to need anyone's validations for my achievements. i do it all for myself. but mostly cause i'm afraid of failure. and out of all things that im afraid of, im really afraid of disappointing myself. not anyone else for sure. But to me it's just sad because i honestly, dont care if i lose all of these things. That's how bad i wanna restart my whole life.  I can let go all of the things that im proud of.

The only reasons that i wanna restart my life is because i dont need that childhood trauma. The only thing that it makes me is me not being myself. Every day i blame that incident because it is what destroys me every single day. But then sometimes i feel like it's unfair for me to blame that particular childhood trauma for what i have done. But sometimes i also think that if it never happens to me, i wouldnt be as miserable as this. As expected, writing this makes me cry. I never thought of getting profesional help until I read about PTSD. Putting myself on similar occasions just cause it gives me power to decide the outcome. I thought I was out of my mind for that. I dont plan on getting help anytime soon. By the time im trying to cope, i hope i dont go crazy. All i want is to get this memory out of my head. Just hit and run. I dont care. I dont care. I just want to FORGET. I need to forget it because it's killing me.

The point is, I can have all of these nice things. But i'm willing to give it all just so i can restart my whole life. Just so i can forget.