M.

 

I haven't written anything for such a long time. Forgive me for being such a busy woman. *giggles. I know i dont have readers anymore like the old times but that's good actually. At least i know i can talk about whatever and no one will bat an eye and give a shit about what i write haha. But if you ever happen to stumble into my blog in your reading list, i'll be in my final year next semester. I am so proud of myself for that. I dont need anyone telling me that they're proud of me cause honestly, what i feel matters to me and only me. 

Other than that, i just have to let things out of my chest. I have been thinking a lot. Instead of finishing my chapter 2 fyp, here i am. And i cant seem to do anything else if i dont express this. I cannot tweet it. I cannot post in on IG. I just can't. So, hello myself. Here's to you.

Sometimes, i really feel like restarting my life. I know people say memories, experiences, mistakes are what make you the person you are. But i just cant help to think even if they do make me as a person i am today, is it worth it? Is it worth it if what it's gonna do is just break me every single day? What's the point of it? 

Come to think about it, i have many things to be proud of. and i'm glad that i know better not to need anyone's validations for my achievements. i do it all for myself. but mostly cause i'm afraid of failure. and out of all things that im afraid of, im really afraid of disappointing myself. not anyone else for sure. But to me it's just sad because i honestly, dont care if i lose all of these things. That's how bad i wanna restart my whole life.  I can let go all of the things that im proud of.

The only reasons that i wanna restart my life is because i dont need that childhood trauma. The only thing that it makes me is me not being myself. Every day i blame that incident because it is what destroys me every single day. But then sometimes i feel like it's unfair for me to blame that particular childhood trauma for what i have done. But sometimes i also think that if it never happens to me, i wouldnt be as miserable as this. As expected, writing this makes me cry. I never thought of getting profesional help until I read about PTSD. Putting myself on similar occasions just cause it gives me power to decide the outcome. I thought I was out of my mind for that. I dont plan on getting help anytime soon. By the time im trying to cope, i hope i dont go crazy. All i want is to get this memory out of my head. Just hit and run. I dont care. I dont care. I just want to FORGET. I need to forget it because it's killing me.

The point is, I can have all of these nice things. But i'm willing to give it all just so i can restart my whole life. Just so i can forget.